I'm still alive!

We're on vacation right now,a nd I don't have a steady internet connection, so that's why you haven't heard from me. I have a lot to say though, and I'll fill you in when I get home!

Cherry's got jokes.

This joke was told a few months ago by my precious two year old. But I forgot to write about it then, and I figured it was important to document it.


Knock knock

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

EAT IT!!!!


The joke has now morphed into:

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

BANANA CHEEKS!!

My Baby *sniff* (updated)

From the moment I got pregnant with Cherry, I knew that if I had a girl, I would wait as long as humanly possible to cut her hair. My plan was to wait until she asked to get it cut. After being a regular reader of Belinda's blog, and noticing that she hadn't cut her daughter's hair until she was three years old, I was adamant that I was going wait and to do the same thing.

Until recently. When I noticed a bunch of split ends. In Cherry's baby fine hair. SPLIT ENDS! NOOOOO!

At the time, Armondo and I were cuddled with her in her bed reading a bedtime story. I said out loud how I noticed she needed a cut, and I started quietly whining to Armondo about how much I really didn't want to do that!

But then I asked Cherry if she wanted a hair cut.

Her answer: "LET'S GO!"

"Ha ha, sorry sweety, not right now! You have to go to bed now; we'll do it another day!"

That was a couple of weeks ago, and every day I've brushed her hair and almost shed tears thinking about losing her baby curls.

To me, it's more than just the curls though. It's the "baby" part. Because I had Peach so soon after Cherry, Cherry didn't have much time to be the "baby". She was out of her crib early, (partially due to the baby coming, partially due to the fact that she's CRAZY and would climb everything and was thisclose to being able to climb out of the crib.) She had her jolly jumper and swing taken away early (more because we were trying to sell the house, and our realtor told us to get them out of the way.) and I put away all of the "baby" toys on her first birthday when I replaced them all with toddler toys. (Those baby toys will be leaving the house soon all together, because honestly, I can't stand them, so Peach will be deprived of her baby toys soon too!)

Cherry was also a pretty early walker, and was fearless from day one. I wouldn't go so far as to say that she's "gifted" or a child genius, but she's always been able to talk circles around kids her age. Those two factors, combined with her being tall, have also made her less of a baby to me.

The only thing left that was "baby" was her curls. And I was so sad thinking about them being cut off. Even if she had a rat's nest mullet.

But today was the day.

Getting up onto the big chair.


This is actually a look of excitement, not fear.


"So, what do you want me to do, exactly?"

"Umm.. she has split ends, and I really don't want you to cut off her curls, but *sniff* if that's all you can do, then *sniff* I guess that's ok."

"Well, I can just take a little bit off. I don't have to take off that much."

"*sniff* ok, just do what you have to do!"




The little sister, waiting patiently.

NOT sitting still. Not even for a sucker. But not freaking out either.

Still waiting....

And Voila! All done. Still mullety....

But she still has curls!!! I big puffy heart the hair dresser!

And Cherry was so happy with her sucker, her new weird comb thing, and her new "hair tut" that she did a little pigeon toed dance for everyone in the waiting area!

And in the end, I survived. And I didn't actually cry. Mostly. And, actually once it completely dried, it actually looked quite cute. Even if it IS still a mullet. Poor kid.

Oh yeah, and Cherry did fine too.


ETA: Now, the day after, I LOVE the haircut! It's so cute! And she had random comments on it today when we were out. The curls and waves are adorable! Getting her hair cut was a GREAT IDEA! Ha ha

My Cycle.

Motivation.

It eludes me.

My house depresses me when it's messy.

But I'm too depressed to clean.

Which makes me less motivated.

Which makes me tired.

But I can't go to sleep because my house is messy.

So, I stay on the computer until it's late.

Doing nothing.

While my house stays messy.

Then I go to bed.

And I take a long time to fall asleep.

Because my house is messy.

And then I get up in the morning.

And I don't want to leave the house.

Because I don't want to get dressed.

Because I should clean the house.

And I don't want to clean in my nice clothes.

So I don't get dressed.

But I stay in my pjs.

Which makes me feel lazy.

So I don't clean my house.

Which makes me depressed.

So, after nap, I try to clean.

But the kids are cranky.

Which makes me irritable.

Which angers me.

And then I feel depressed because I'm a bad mother.

So, I start thinking positive thoughts.

"I AM a good mother."

"I CAN clean this house."

But the kids don't stop yelling and crying.

So, I get nothing done.

Then the kids' bedtime arrives.

And then, I need two hours to decompress.

And I feel too tired to clean.

BUT...

Last night I cleaned. Because I had guests arriving today.

And then, I cleaned more after nap time.

And, tonight after the kids went to bed, I only took half an hour to decompress, then, I was about to blog, with the thought of cleaning up later, but then I realized I wanted to watch Canadian Idol later. So I got off my ass and cleaned up the kitchen until Canadian Idol came on, and now I'm blogging at the same time as the show is on.

The house is tidy, vacuumed, the kitchen is clean!

And damn it, I feel great.

Summer is Almost Over!

I've been having a great summer!

Cherry turned two, and had a blast during both her friends and family parties. She's also been to several other kids' parties this summer and asks to go to dirday parties all the time. She also knows "Happy Birthday" both in English and in Spanish (Thanks Dora) and sings them all the time.

Besides partying all the time, we have also gone camping and made a couple of road trips up island to visit with good friends. There have been trips to Grandma's house in there as well, and a trip to the west coast to drop Armondo off to the boat once. A lot of people from out of town have been around here and there too, and we had fun the other day watching some friends turned tourists bungee jump.

And, speaking of Armondo... I'm pretty sure this has been his best summer as far as work goes, as he has only worked NINE DAYS so far. He's got himself on this other boat, which does shorter trips, and he got a HUGE raise. (Same company, different boss.) He'll be going out again in a few days, for a bit of a long trip. (Because he's been home so much, I haven't been blogging much. He gives me a hard time for being on the computer "all the time". So, lately I've just been doing short stints on Facebook here and there, and checking my email.)

The best part of this summer though:

I fell in love with my husband again.

Somewhere along the line, I had fallen out of love with him. Maybe it was boredom, maybe it was the extended absences, maybe it was my depression, maybe it was the little irritating things he does, maybe it was the lack of sleep.... I don't know what caused me to stop loving him, but I did.

When he was gone for long stretches, I would miss him, but more than that I resented him. When he was home, I was happy he was here for the girls, but I was so overly irritated by the extra mess he made, how much he "screwed up" our schedule, and how he kept on missing the toilet when he peed. IT'S A HUGE FREAKING TARGET!!!! He couldn't do anything right. I wasn't interested in sex, and I was cringing when he touched me. I knew I was feeling a little "off" towards him, and credited it to having a new born, and being busy and tired, but when we got away for 24hours to a spa resort sans kids, and I STILL didn't feel any good feelings towards him, I knew there was something wrong.

But I waited until we were home to talk about it with him.

The talk was horrible. I mean, I just came out and told him I thought that I didn't love him anymore. He was crushed. He was ready to quit his job right then and there. He cried. I cried. I told him that I couldn't guarantee that him quitting the fishing job would fix the problem, and I didn't even know if it was the problem to begin with. He told me he thought of me as a goddess, and told me that I was the most important thing to him.

I told him I wasn't going anywhere. That this was the "for worse" part of our vows, and that I meant every word of my vows. I also told him a saying that I had heard recently that went something like this: the secret to a long marriage is to never have both partners fall out of love at the same time.

He was pretty sweet during the talk, but he was upset. The next day he was a complete asshole.

The next few weeks were spent doing all the fun stuff I mentioned above. During that time, he also built the kids a totally awesome playhouse/swing set.

And it was during that time that I fell back in love with him. It sounds like I'm very fickle, but I don't see it that way.

During those weeks he had off, I watched him have fun. I watched him get really enthusiastic about the playhouse he was building. I watched him draw plan, after plan, and then watched him execute his plan. I watched him at the beach with the kids picking up crabs and showing them to Cherry. I watched him play with Annie and wrestle her to the ground.

I saw the man I fell in love with in the first place. His stresses were mostly left behind on the boat, and besides the new stress I put on him, he was pretty well carefree.

That, and he really, really tried to win me back. He didn't shower me with gifts, or do anything particularly special, but he upped the respect level. And so did I.

We both started to talk to each other with nicer tones. We both listened better. He flirted with me more. I made the conscious effort to be a better wife, and he made the effort to be a better husband.

The day before he left for his nine day fishing trip, I told him I had fallen for him again. And he got angry! It totally wasn't the reaction I was expecting, but I also didn't really know what I actually was expecting. He was pissed off that I decided to tell him the day before he was leaving. I thought it was best for me to tell him, so he would KNOW while he was gone that his wife was at home waiting for him, and loving him.

He made me cry.

Later that night, I explained to him how watching him have so much passion for the swing set was really what got me overall. About how when I first met him, he was making sushi, and even though the particular job wasn't all that great, he just had so much passion for the art form of sushi making. He took so much pride in his work. And when he switched careers, he lost that. He lost his passion. He lost his confidence. But, seeing him find that again was totally amazing.

That, and the fact that we both started being nicer to each other.

Since he got back from that nine day fishing trip, things have been great with us. The s3x has been fabulous, the respect level is way up, his hot and hard fishing muscles turn me on, and it's all good.

So many people seem to give up on marriage so easily. I've known people who would have given up if they were in my situation, but I take our union seriously, and I'm so glad that we were able to work it all out.

Because I love him more now than I did on my wedding day.

Even if he does still miss the toilet sometimes.

Cherry's "E I O Dirday Party!"

She has been begging for a barnyard themed birthday party for months, and this is the result. (Her actual birthday and the family party are tomorrow.)



Cherry playing in the hay pile. I hid a bunch of toys in the pile, and all the kids searched through it to find the prizes. One other adult, Cherry, and I, all had allergic reactions to all the hay being thrown around by the kids. All three of us took benedryl to get over it, and I managed to get by relatively unscathed, but my friend ended up almost passing out due to the drugs, and Cherry ended up with hives on her cheeks. And she's off today with Armondo to get her 2 year portraits done. She had marks on her face for the last set of portraits done with the cousins at Easter! Oh well!

Armondo and I drew pig and cow faces on balloons, and had the kids "herd" them into the barn I made out of a fridge box.


This is Cherry waiting for her cake as we all sang Happy Birthday. She's watched so much TV that she knew exactly what was happening and was very good at sitting still!


In fact, she has seen so much tv that she knew to blow out the candle without being told to! (No, I am not proud of the fact that my child watches so much TV. But when Armondo is gone for weeks at a time, it's pretty much my only saving grace, and the only way to get her to be calm for awhile so that I can cook or clean or poop. She watches much less TV when Armondo is home.)

A close up of one of the "pig" cupcakes I made. The other ones were cows and sheep, but really, only the pigs looked all that great. I made the cake and the frosting from scratch! Overall, it didn't taste all that great, but I'm still proud that I put all that effort in. Next time the cake and frosting are coming from a box. Cheaper and faster, and will leave more time for decorating.


Cherry eating her pig. She only ate the frosting. Her nose is running from the hay inhalation.

Some of the other kids eating.


The "akk, the sun is in our eyes, and dang it, I still have my pig ears on" family shot in front of the barn I made.

For some reason, blogger won't let me put a title in! This is just a quick catch up post, to be followed by a photo post of Cherry's second birthday party!

I'm doing a bit better. The meds are helping with my PPD. Some days it's still hard to get out of bed, especially on days that I don't have any real plans or "purpose" to my day. Luckily, I've been really busy lately, so there haven't been many of those days!

Armondo has been home for awhile now. When he first came home, we had a few days of awkwardness as we worked through some issues. Things were starting to get bad between us, but I think we were able to really talk through what was bothering us, and I can say that both of us are making an effort to be better towards each other. There's no need for me to go into detail, or even record what was going on, 'cause it's just water under the bridge now. Re hashing it might just bring up bad feelings.

I've been reaching out and making more friends who have kids. I was really worried that by the time that Cherry's birthday party occurred, that there wouldn't be any children there for her! But somehow, I was able to make enough friends in a short period of time in order to have a relatively large party for her. It's funny how in high school, you strive to have friends and be somewhat popular, just so you don't feel like an idiot, then you have a few years off after school where you can just pick and choose who you want to hang out with, and it doesn't really matter, but then you have kids, and all of a sudden you have to make friends again so that THEY have friends!

Peach is still pretty much a cute little lump who doesn't do that much. She's almost 6 months old, is signing for milk, is smiling lots, loves her sister, and is almost getting teeth. I can't leave her alone on any "surface" anymore, 'cause she can scoot right off, but I think it'll be a little while until she's crawling.

Cherry is full of funny phrases. She's full of "I wuv you"s and "What zat noise?"es. She is a never ending chatterbox, and is very polite. Lots of please and thank yous and excuse mes. She now know her basic shapes, and can count to ten with some prompting. She loves to sing and will often mix her favourite songs together into a cute medley. She also sings songs about her sister. There's this TV show we watch about a bunny, and the lyrics to the opening go like this: "Miffy, cute little bunny, Miffy, smart little bunny," etc. Well, ever since Cherry was about a year old, we've been replacing "Miffy" with Cherry's name and "bunny" with "baby." Well, now Cherry will sing the song replacing "Miffy" with "DeDe" (the nickname she calls her sister) and will sing "DeDe, cute little baby!"

And umm.. let's not talk about potty training. 'Cause it's not happening. And there's nothing to talk about. Cherry's going to be in diapers until she's 12.

And with that, I will end this post and start posting the birthday party photos.

I am SO lucky.

My house is a disaster. But only because I'm lucky enough to have children to make it that way.

I am completely sleep deprived. But that's because I have two beautiful children who make me that way.

I got a case of Post Partum Depression. But I wouldn't have it if I didn't have my lovely girls.

I miss my husband. But I only miss him so much because he really is quite wonderful.

My house requires so many repairs and cosmetic upgrades. But only because I'm lucky enough to own a house.

I could keep on going, but I have a house to clean!


Some days you just need to take inventory to realize just how lucky you really are.

I DARE YOU!

So, Belinda does this thing on Flickr called "I dare you." And I thought I'd play along. She posts the rules here.

Click on the photos to get to my Flickr page with all the notes.

Cuddle Time.

This heat and the long days is making regular bed times an impossibility. Last night Peach woke up at about 10:30 and refused to go back to sleep until 1am. I blame the heat and all the sweat she woke up drenched in. Cherry has been going to her ROOM at her regular 7pm bedtime, but hasn't gone to sleep before 9:30pm in several days. She's usually happy to just play and sing quietly in her room until she falls asleep. But sometimes, she sort of gets a little out of hand when she trashes her room.
That's right, she's sleeping UNDER her mattress, and is using her blanket as a pillow. When I went in there and removed the mattress from her, and put it back on her bed, she very quietly woke up, said "Thank you mommy" in the cutest little voice and crawled onto her bed and went back to sleep.

Tonight (Saturday night) she wasn't so happy just playing in her room and trashing it quietly. Tonight she was upset because she was "all wet mommy." (Covered in sweat). So, I asked her if she wanted to cuddle. (I know, cuddling doesn't exactly solve the sweat problem, but I thought it would make her feel better, and I don't really get much alone time with either one of my kids, so I thought I'd take advantage of the situation.)

She was super excited about cuddling, and so was I, really, 'cause it's only been a few months now that she's actually let me cuddle with her since she was a little baby. And I mean REALLY cuddle. And she's not shy about the kisses now either, which is excellent!

ANYWAY... we cuddled for awhile, but she was no where near ready to go to sleep, and after several rounds of "I love you"s and talking about how much fun we had at the beach today, I decided it was time to go to sleep. So, I rolled over and pretended to sleep, complete with full out fake snoring. Cherry tried EVERYTHING to get my attention. She was calling out "Mommy, mommy, I love you!" and stroking my hair and everything. It was very cute, and I did an EXCELLENT job at continuing to fake snore and not crack a smile.

But then she got me.

When she knocked on my head and said....

"Knock, knock, Helllooooo? Anybody home?"

I totally cracked up laughing, which sent her into a fit of laughter, which turned into a tornado of kisses.

Then she let me tuck her in and she went right to sleep.

Aww, I love being a mom.

A Visit to Daddy.

A few weeks ago, we drove up to where Armondo's boat was docked for a day, and we had a quick visit. We hadn't seen him for a VERY long time.

First, we went to a little diner and had some lunch.


Cherry was VERY happy to see her daddy!


Then we took some time to play with the Sea Lions (arouf ar ar ar)





Then we had dinner in the Galley on the boat. Armondo cooked! And yes, that's Paris Hilton on the calendar in the background.

When we first got there, the tide was pretty low, so we could see all sorts of star fish on the rocks just below the water. One of them was a good two to three feet across! It was huge! Anyway, I guess when she saw them, Cherry started singing "Twinkle Twinkle" with her Aunt (with whom we drove up there with, and who's (whose?) husband is the skipper). Well, when she sings "Twinkle Twinkle" she refers to the stars as "DeDe stars" (just like she calls her BABY sister "DeDe")

SOOO.. now when I say "Hey, where's Daddy?"

Cherry answers: "On da doat, with the DeDe tars!" (On the boat with the baby stars) And then she'll say "And the seeeos!" (and the seals!) Which are actually sea lions, but I don't argue the point too much with her!

It was really great for us to be able to take Cherry to see her dad on the boat, 'cause now she has a much more concrete concept as to where her daddy is. Now when I pray with her at night and ask God to keep Daddy safe, she says "Daddy on da doat?" I think it makes it much easier for her to handle him being gone, as she now really knows what's going on.

The Kids.

I really want to blog. But now that so much time has passed, it feels like there's so much "catching up" to do, that I just don't know where to start! So, I'll just tell you about the kids. Of course!

On May 23rd, Peach sat on her own, which of course happened at play group when I didn't have my camera. And hasn't happened since. But I had witnesses! And now that she's old enough to sit on her own, she can now go in her jumper!


Cherry is a big fan of HOCKEY! and was super excited when we bought some hockey sticks.


Not quite as exciting, but still pretty fun, is her new t-ball set.

Also fun, is her new (used and still dirty, but I know where the dirt came from) playground equipment. She's seen here with her friend O.L.



And here she is, sitting in "time out" after repeatedly pushing her friend O.L. She ACTUALLY stayed there when I put her there. First time she had a real time out, and I think it worked! It ended with her saying sorry to her friend, and she didn't push him again.

Weird Kid.

So, I'm vacuuming my bedroom, and Cherry is up on my bed watching me, when the following conversation occurs:

Cherry: Want some, want SOME!!!!

Me: Huh? What do you want?

Cherry: Want some, want SOME!!! *wildly jumps up and down on my bed*

Me: I'm sorry sweety, I don't understand what you want.

Cherry: *randomly pointing her finger* Want SOME!

Me: *cluing in* Oh!!! You want me to vacuum you?!?!

Cherry: Okay!!!!







What a weirdo!

Goodbye Jacy.

A little over a year ago, Belinda sent me a wonderful little poodle from Arkansas named Jacy.

She's a great dog.

But today, I sent her away. Unfortunately, our home wasn't her forever home, and for that, I feel terribly sorry. It's not that we didn't like her; we do. It's not that she wasn't a good dog; she is. It's just that when I committed to having her join our family, I was one child less and one husband more, and it wasn't hard to spend time with her, take her for walks, bathe her, trim her, cuddle her, etc. I cannot remember the last time I bathed her or trimmed her-I think the last trim was before Christmas, except for a touch up around her face, and the last bath was over a month ago. And for a white poodle, that just isn't often enough! And I have no clue when her last walk was. Walking two kids and two dogs is a little insane. Annie MIGHT have a bit more of a chance of getting walks now that she's the only dog, but she might just have to get her exercise running around the front yard chasing Cherry. (Annie is in no need of more exercise, she's a very healthy, strong, dog who is in great shape. Jacy was getting a little pudgy.)

Jacy is also a lap dog, and unfortunately, while Armondo is gone months at a time, there is only one lap here available for her, and with a nursing baby, two needy cats, and a crazy, monkey like toddler, there wasn't much room on this lap for her. It's amazing the difference between a lap dog and a floor dog. Sure they both want pets and cuddles and attention, but for some reason, the floor dog doesn't seem to take it so hard when you shoo her away!

I never wanted to be one of those people who treats animals as "disposable", so I feel incredibly guilty about letting her go, but hopefully she'll find the perfect home.

The most important thing I can take from this is: NO MORE PETS. THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU TAKE ON THIS KIND OF RESPONSIBLILITY!

So, here are some photos to remember dear Jacy by:




And from our camping trip last year.


A big thanks goes out to Andrea for "fostering" Jacy and arranging for her to find her way up to Alaska where Erin (of former Pupsickle fame) will hopefully find her permanent home.


And PS..
I WILL do the meme I got tagged for! Just give me a day or so!

Thank You!

I appreciate all the support you've been passing on. I'm sorry I haven't been responding to each comment, but I HAVE been reading them, and if I WAS responding to them, it would look something like this:

Thanks.

Thank you.

I agree, Thanks.

You're great, thanks.

So, there you go. Thank you. And just 'cause I don't really have anything specific to write back to each comment, please don't think that I want you to stop commenting!

And, here, to liven this post up:
Cherry says: "See Momma, I DO love my little sister! Can't you tell?"
Peach says: "Help me!"

Feeling sorry for myself.

Trying to deal with my depression is bringing up issues for me. I'm not currently seeing a therapist or anything, but sometimes I think about what would come up if I WAS seeing a therapist.

And I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Not my self today, but my self as a child.

I have two beautiful little girls, who undeniably are MY children. Sure Peach looks more like her daddy, and is funny like him, but overall, I can see myself in both of my girls. And I love them more than anything in the world. I would do anything for them. I'm trying my best to provide for them, and to protect them. And I try my best to be the best possible mother to them.

Then I think about myself as a child. Why didn't my mother do all those things for me? Why did she abandon me over and over and over?

Why did my step mother hate me so much? Why did she hurt me so much?

I look back at that little girl and I see a very, very scared and hurt child.

And it all makes me sad. I wish I could scoop up my former child self and give her a big hug and love her and protect her.

But I can't. So, I will try my best to be the best for my children.

Can't leave that depressing post up top for too long...

So, I give you this:

The Truth. It hurts.

I wrote this the evening of April 30th in an email to a friend (sorry, the formatting is a little weird. It looks fine as I type it):

I'm calling my doctor first thing tomorrow morning to discuss my current
bout of depression.

It's funny; I've known I've been depressed for awhile now, but I was hoping
to "get over it" after the pregnancy was done, and to "wait the winter out"
and see how I was in the spring. Well, I DID get better once the pregnancy
was over, or at least I thought I had. I mean, I now have these two
beautiful little girls, and I can look at them and experience so much joy!
I mean, any time I'm feeling down, I can just tickle one of my girls or
snuggle with them, and it goes away. But I knew that underneath all the
joyful MOMENTS, there was this long lasting dull depression that wasn't
really going away. But there was still spring on the horizon, so I thought
I'd wait it out a little more.

I discussed some of this with Armondo, telling him that I felt like I might
need to go back onto anti-depressants, and his immediate response was "How
much is that going to cost?" We're not exactly in the best financial
position right now due to him taking a bunch of time off when Peach was
born, as well as owing thousands of dollars in income tax, so when he said
that, I immediately felt guilty for "wanting" to spend money on something.
And while he was home, I was trying really hard to implement a budget for us
to follow while we struggled through this rough patch, and he would make me
feel like I was "punishing" him or something by not letting him buy a CD one
week 'cause we had already spent the budget for that week. He got the CD a
couple of days later, but he still whined about how he's "working so hard
and isn't even allowed to spend any of (his) money."

But then he left again for fishing. And the paranoia started to kick in
again. I have these horrible thoughts of "bad men" hiding in closets and
hurting my children. I have sticks in their windows that have alarms in
them, so I can hear if anyone tries to open their windows, but still, I'm
paranoid. It takes me hours to fall asleep at night sometimes due to the
fact that I'm "scared" and/or I'm thinking about our financial difficulties
or thinking about Armondo dying out on the sea, and how, exactly I'd react and
deal with the loss-to the point of "rehearsing" the whole thing in my mind
over and over and over.

Then there's the whole "my house is going to catch on fire in the middle of
the night and how am I going to get all the animals AND my children out of
the house in time" story line that haunts me all the time.

Well, the other night, I decided to take fate into my own hands and actually
MADE A PLAN TO BURN DOWN MY HOUSE.

I spent over two hours laying in bed thinking about it. I would pack the
kids and the dogs up for a trip to my MIL's house, and let the cats outside.
I'd pack a bunch of the kids' favourite toys and a few important things of
mine, and make sure that the other important things like jewelry and papers
were all safe in our fire box. Armondo has most of his favourite things with
him on the boat, so there wouldn't be too much he'd miss that wouldn't be
replaceable. Then, the plan was to turn on a stove element, lay a roll of
paper towel on the element, put a bottle of cooking oil really close by and
leave the house.

In my mind burning down the house would solve a couple of problems, the most
prevalent would be to solve the rat problem in the crawl space, and we'd be
able to get money from the insurance in order to renovate the house, which
we've been trying to bit by bit but just can't afford to complete. (our
bathroom floor is rotting out, for instance) Also, we'd re-build or move to
a new house, which would hopefully have all new electrical, which would
"solve" my fear of the house burning down in the first place.

The next day (April 29th) I talked on the phone with one of my friends and
told her I wasn't feeling all that great, and that I *thought* I might be
having some emotional problems and that I might need to see a doctor. I
deliberately didn't tell her about my plan to burn down the house, 'cause I
WAS STILL PLANNING ON DOING IT, even after a night of rest. I didn't want
to tell anyone, 'cause I wanted it to look like an accident, and I didn't
want anyone to rat me out.

I went about my daily routine, and while I was bathing the kids, I started
to read through my insurance policy to make sure we were actually covered
enough to make the whole thing 'worth it'. I had rehearsed in my head how I
would react when I got home and saw the house burned down, deciding that I
wouldn't 'act' at all, but would rather just let my natural emotions take
over. I planned my words carefully though, so that I would never actually
"lie" to anyone. I would say "What do you think caused the fire?" to the
firemen, and then I'd say "Oh, I KNEW something was wrong when I left town!"
and I would say things like "It's all my fault!" and everyone would think
I was telling the truth, which I would, indeed be doing.

So, partway through reading the insurance policy, I started to realize that
I was actually, completely crazy. As in NOT SANE. Sane people don't plan
to burn down their houses.

I put the kids to bed and tried calling my father, who I knew would listen
to me, and not immediately call social services. I was scared to talk to
anyone else. He didn't answer his phone, so I started to panic. I couldn't
tell anyone what was going on with me, 'cause I was so scared that they'd
think I was going to hurt my children and they'd get taken away from me, or
that "they" would take me away to a psych ward and my children (one of whom
is still breast feeding) would be put into "care" somewhere. I couldn't
risk that.

So, I talked online to a friend who is currently in Japan teaching. She was
pretty good at "listening" to me, and getting it all out made me feel
better. It was telling someone that I was going to burn down the house that
made me throw that plan out completely. I mean, I couldn't exactly burn
down the house after I TOLD someone about it, right?

While I was online last night, I looked up the symptoms of post partum
depression. I don't really have any of the symptoms that are specific to
PPD, as in wanting to hurt my children, but I DO have almost all of the
symptoms of regular major depression and an anxiety disorder. It was sort
of scary reading the symptoms, 'cause I knew I was depressed, but I didn't
realize how CRAZY I actually was. When I started to read about how hearing
'voices' was a possible, very dangerous symptom, I all of a sudden realized,
that I had, indeed been hearing voices, and had been for a long time, but
didn't even really think anything of it. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!?! The
'voices" I had been hearing though weren't telling me to do anything, or
really saying anything at all. I never made out any words, it just seemed
like I could hear people talking on the other side of a wall or something.

On the first of May, I went to the doctor and she put me on anti-depressants. I've taken them for a few days now, and I can't say whether they are working or not, but the fact that I'm being pro-active about what's happening to me has made me feel a bit better. She wants me to take them for two weeks then return for a visit to find out how they are working and if we need to adjust the dosage or type of med. Currently they are making me nauseous and very hungry, mostly for fatty snack foods, which isn't making me feel all that great about myself. I think I'm sleeping better now though, as I'm not staying awake for hours thinking about how messed up everything is. I feel more in "control" of what's happening to me now, which, really is good, 'cause the feeling of being out of control is what causes me to lose it in the first place.

My good friend Tricia came and stayed with me for two nights this week, which was totally awesome. She was here while I adjusted to the new meds, and she helped to take the edge off by entertaining Cherry, and even let me get an extra nap in! She is an awesome friend.

I don't know where to take this post now. I guess I just feel like if I tell my small corner of the world what I'm going through, that maybe it might help someone else out. Talk to your doctor if you're feeling weird. And do it before you have a breakdown.

Their love is rock steady.

She took some of her favourite things and took them for a ride in the stroller.

Took them all around the house....What are they? They are her beloved rocks. So beloved, in fact....





That she took them to bed.