Friday, May 11, 2007

Feeling sorry for myself.

Trying to deal with my depression is bringing up issues for me. I'm not currently seeing a therapist or anything, but sometimes I think about what would come up if I WAS seeing a therapist.

And I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Not my self today, but my self as a child.

I have two beautiful little girls, who undeniably are MY children. Sure Peach looks more like her daddy, and is funny like him, but overall, I can see myself in both of my girls. And I love them more than anything in the world. I would do anything for them. I'm trying my best to provide for them, and to protect them. And I try my best to be the best possible mother to them.

Then I think about myself as a child. Why didn't my mother do all those things for me? Why did she abandon me over and over and over?

Why did my step mother hate me so much? Why did she hurt me so much?

I look back at that little girl and I see a very, very scared and hurt child.

And it all makes me sad. I wish I could scoop up my former child self and give her a big hug and love her and protect her.

But I can't. So, I will try my best to be the best for my children.


dillyweed said...

Oh sweetie. I'm so sorry you are going through this. If I could, I'd give you a big hug myself (both the little girl and adult Cece).

Sarah said...

Yeah... I can't really compare situations, but when I think back to my family as it was when I was a kid and often think, "WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?!" I took a psych course once in which we had to read a book about childhood wounds and stuff like that... and the book screwed me up. I ended up ranting to myself in a typed 22-page (single-spaced) self "analysis." Then I went crazy and had to drop out of school for a while. Thing is that NOW I'm glad all that happened, that I had to face those memories and anger and unanswerable questions. I really hope for you that soon, you'll be able to look back on this rather rough time and see the lasting fruit of it. As it sits now, you can only contend with yourself - as much as you might want to slap a few people around. It sucks. However, I know that you are a strong woman and you can get through this. The good wife and mother that you already are attests to your resilience and ability to deal well with what life's dealt you.

shandelle said...

I think anyone who has gone through things as a child want to give theri children what they never had. You are a great mom Cece, and you will be everything to them that you never had. You have two beautiful children, and they do look like you too! Hang in there.

Kim said...

I feel bad for you and what you are going through!! I have not exerienced anthing like this before, but want you to know that we are all sending our support nad love.vfyiu

LB said...

You have every right to mourn for that little girl! I do when I think of your past. It's a challenging time with potential for great growth for you and your sweeties. (i sound like a fortune cookie! )
Love you even when we don't get a chance to connect.
LB said...

Depression is the worst thing. I'm so sorry. :(

sally said...

You are a great mom CeCe...really, really great!

I am so sorry that your childhood was full of sadness and hurt but even with all of that you emerged as a really wonderful, strong person. You attracted a great man who loves and cares about you and together you are raising two lovely kids who are a reflexion of the person you are now.

Melora said...

You are a great mom! Peach and Cherry are beautiful girls, and are so lucky to have a loving mom whose children and marriage are her priorities.
I am not big on therapists, but maybe a therapist could help you put the pain of your childhood behind you. Might there be some sort of a women's services center or a group for people recovering from abusive relationships (your mother & stepmother, I mean, of course) where you could talk things through? I know Prozac is helpful for some people with anxiety, and I think the generic is fairly affordable. Your ability to overcome your own painful childhood and be a wonderful, loving mother to your girls is a real achievement, and you should be proud of yourself!

flutter said...

Depression is a horrible thing to endure, I hope that those little faces bring you joy and light.