The One Where my kid almost died while I was having a poo

Warning: there's a little bit a lot of talk about poo in this one. Evan, you might want to avert your eyes.

When you're pregnant for the first time and you're sleeping as much as you possibly can, there is one thing that everyone around you will tell you: "Enjoy it while you can."

What they don't tell you, however is to enjoy pooing by yourself while you can!

I've pretty much been constipated since I gave birth to Cherry. I've talked about it before, but there's no way I'm digging through the archives to find it for you. I've finally figured out WHY I've been constipated so much. It's because I can't just poo when I want to, and this has caused some back up.

I can't just poo when I want to, because I either have to close the door on my kid, two dogs and two cats and listen to them all whine/bark/scratch at the door. Or, I can leave the door open and try to battle with my kid to stop her from tearing all the paper off of the roll, pulling all the diapers off of the change table shelves, taking the baby cloths and throwing them in the bath while dealing with a small white poodle trying to jump on my lap, a lab trying to sniff my underwear, one cat biting my knees, and one cat trying her best to be the most adorable thing that ever rolled around on a bathroom mat.

Needless to say, the best time to poo is when all the animals are outside and the kid is sleeping. The other day, I had all of this arranged. I had just put Cherry down for her nap, and the pets were all lounging in the sun outside.

I sat down. I was at peace with myself, and my bowels were co-operating.

Then Cherry started screaming. Not crying, not fussing. It was a "I'M PRACTICALLY DYING HERE, COME HELP ME RIGHT NOW" sort of scream.

The next 15 seconds were the longest of my life. And probably the longest of Cherry's life too. I could not leave the toilet as soon as I heard the screams. It just wasn't an option. I was stuck.

As it turns out, Cherry was stuck too.

As quick as I could, I got myself "fixed" in such a way that I could run to her room to find out what was wrong. This is what I saw:*


Cherry had somehow crawled UNDER her sheet in her playpen and had gotten herself stuck. Every corner was still firmly in place, yet she had figured out a way to crawl underneath and couldn't figure a way out. Not exactly a life-threatening situation, but surely I could see the urgency and need of a rescue.

I quickly saved her and spent the next couple of minutes consoling her. Realizing that the playpen probably wasn't her favourite place in the world right then, I figured that I would let her skip the nap for now, and we would try again later.

And then I went back to the bathroom to finish my business. Afterwards I had diapers to pick up off the floor, toilet paper to throw out and cloths that needed to go into the laundry. Luckily, the animals all stayed outside. But, I haven't had a good poop since.

*No, I didn't run for the camera when I heard my kid screaming, I actually re-enacted the scene later on using four Cabbage Patch kids and sticking them under the sheet.