Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Be warned, it's pathetic!

Okay, so there's new news about Armondo.

He's coming home earlier. Still not in time for Cherry's Birthday, but a little earlier. Das is good.

Here's the thing guys. I'm not doing so well right now. K just wrote a post that made me realize that I should really talk some stuff out. I'm not doing this to get any sympathy, or to get any "help", it's just more so that I've taken the time to document it, because, like I've explained before, this is my only "diary" that I keep, and I think it would be dishonest if I left something like this out of it. If you bothered to read K's post, maybe you could take the time to read the comment I left too, this will let you know that really, I'm aware that most of my crazy feelings are mostly due to pregnancy and lack of sleep.

Check it out, (quick, who am I trying to impersonate?!?) It's a little pitchy at parts, but...

I'm a bit of a mess. I started writing a post the other day about it, but hit "save as draft" instead of post, because it was just too darned depressing. (This one might not be any better.)

I'm tired. I'm depressed. I'm lonely. Cherry and my dad just aren't doing it for me. I want my husband back. In the same breath, I've been getting so pissed off about this whole fishing thing that I've just been stewing and been thinking "maybe it would just be better if he NEVER came back, I don't need him anyway, maybe I should just leave, just take the kid and go" But then, I think "Well that would be stupid-sort of like expelling a kid from school for playing hookey."

Following me here?

No? ok, IF I did leave Armondo, because he was never around, then he'd be around less, and I would either have to go on welfare, or sap a lot of child support out of him, making all of us in a worse financial situation than we already are. And it's not like I'm interested in anyone else, so all in all, it's just a stupid idea. And then I get mad about the fact that in reality, I actually DO need him. Ugh, when did I lose my independence?!?

And, I have no friends. Well, that's a bit of a lie. I have all of YOU guys, right?!? Right?! are you my friends!?!? PUHLEESE BE MY FRIENDS!!

Ha ha, no, in reality, here, in my town, I have a total of two friends who I actually hang out with, and, in all honesty, I'm not a good friend to one of them. I try to be a good friend to her, but I can't help but CONSTANTLY bad mouth her. I bad mouth her to my other one friend, I bad mouth her to friends who live far away, to my grandmother, and to Armondo, who, is just as bad as I am and, bad mouths (mouthes?) her too. (she doesn't know about this blog-let's just keep this our little secret.) Here's the thing though. I want to stop talking s#it about her. But it seems like anytime I hang out with her, she (or her child) does something that I just plain don't approve of. And I'm sure most of you know me pretty well by now. I'm an opinionated b!tch, and it's darn hard for me to bite my tongue! Whew. Ok, now that I've put it in writing, maybe I'll be more likely to stick to it. I WILL NOT BAD MOUTH SAID FRIEND ANYMORE. Ok, but here's the part where I DO ask for help... What do I do INSTEAD of bad mouthing her? (First thing that pops into my head is "say something nice about her".. ok, what do I say that's nice? "She looks good in that blue dress." Instant thought that comes to mind? "Well, she'd BETTER look good in that dress, 'cause it's the only thing she EVER wears!") See, I'm a jerk. It just happens. Verbal diarrhea. umm.. even just internal verbal diarrhea. How do you fix a problem like that?!?

Ok, so.. along the same lines of having no friends... See, while I was planning on moving, I sort of let a lot of friendships slide. On purpose, 'cause really, if you do it slowly, it's easier, right? Well, our house never sold, and now I'm here for at least another year, and hey, guess what?! Yeah, I'm lonely. I'm sort of trying to pick up some friendships where I left off, but you know what else? I just sort of don't really like some of the people that I let slide. I'm just not into the same things as they are. I don't do Weight Watchers, I'm not really into scrapbooking, I don't have the money to put my kid in extremely cute outfits from the Gap, I don't have a shoe collection that rivals Madonna's. I can't just go clubbing and camping all the time. Maybe I'm jealous, and I'd like to be JUST LIKE THEM, but I know I never will be. Even if I did have the cash, I don't think I'd be like them. (But I could use some more shoes!)

And I sort of missed out on the whole "baby group" thing, and now that I'm "ready" to make new friends and meet people, it just happens to be summer, and there are no baby groups in the summer. So, I sit lonely on a summer evening, waiting for an email from a possible new friend that I met online. And you know what? I'm doing that dumb self-loathing thing with that too. "Why hasn't she emailed me back yet?! Does she already think I'm a loser?! She hasn't even met me in real life. Did I say something stupid? If she hasn't emailed me, does that mean that she actually has a life and hasn't sat on the computer all evening like I have?!?"

Man, am I pathetic!

Like I mentioned before, I know that most of my feelings have to do with hormones and lack of sleep, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it. The worse part of this whole, entire thing is that the absolute best time of the day for me, is nap time. How horrible is that?!?

Don't get me wrong, I AM ok, I love my kid, I love most aspects of my life (like most stuff that occurs within the four walls of my house), it's just when everything winds down, and I look at the clock after Cherry's gone to bed, and all that I can look forward to for the evening is being on the internet and doing the dishes. I have no husband to talk to, no friends to call, and even my dad has gone and holed himself up in his room. Yeah, that's my problem. The evenings. I was fine all day today! I was fine all day yesterday during the day too. It's just the evenings (and first thing in the morning). I need people to talk to in the evenings. I need friends to come visit me after Cherry goes to bed. I need to read more.

Whew.

10 comments:

Tricia said...

I started writing assvice, but really what I want to say is that you have my number, and you can call me anytime. Even tonight.

CeCe said...

Tricia~Thanks doll, I appreciate that. If it was a little bit earlier, I would, but those pesky dishes are calling. And so is my bed. I love you!

debambam said...

Oh darl I WISH I was closer, like in the same country! Do you have yahoo or msn? cos we could voice chat :) But it's not the same, I know. I was the same when I was pregnant, and even once Zoe was born..suddenly I didn't have as much in common with my friends so they kind of dwindled off. I did find a local mothers group and that helped, have you thought about looking for one for Cherry? Even a playgroup? I'm not sure what would be around!
Anyway I wish that I could come and take you out for coffee, or chat about a book we've both read, or somthing....I really do. And this is NOT PATHETIC, a lot of people feel what your going through right now, please don't discount your feelings ok? They are YOURS and they are REAL.

Melora said...

Sorry you are going through this! Did this hit after you quit to be a SAHM? I found that a rough transition, even though it was Completely what I wanted. I had a couple periods of feeling isolated when T. was little, first right after he was born and I no longer was working outside the home, and then when we "outgrew" our baby group (the other mommies were wealthy, and once we passed the baby phase, their normal interests returned to the fore and I no longer had much in common with them). I had it much easier than you, since Ed did not go off on long fishing trips, and I didn't have pregnancy hormones to add to the mix. You don't want to leave Armondo. Could you tell him how much you miss him and need him to be available now? If he passed up a sushi chef job that would have paid as well or better than going fishing (if I'm remembering correctly), maybe he just doesn't realize how much he is needed at home. (Or maybe he is an selfish, fun-loving beggar, but you would know that better than I!)
Aside from talking to Armondo, I've got nothing aside from the obvious of taking Cherry to parks, libraries, etc. in search of new friends. And you do have a lot of internet friends!
Cordially,
Melora

andrea said...

You remind me of me a few years ago in the friend dept. Let me tell you now that I haven't seen/talked to the friend I 'disapproved' of for something like 6 years now. Once the relationship turns toxic, it's best to cut it loose ASAP, no matter how much you think you need the social contact. And I did, too. I remember sitting on the beach with this snotty, judgemental, constantly status-measuring woman *in full makeup* while our boys played and realizing that I was only hanging out with her because her kid was the same age as mine. I haven't talked to her in 6 years either! :) Don't push it; it'll happen. Meantime, keep writing your blog!

Maidink said...

Oh CeCe, where to begin.

First, preggers or not, I should just slap you upside your head.

You.are.not.pathetic!

You.are.not.a.loser!

You are a young mom and you're pregnant. Your hormones are having a party and they are keeping you, the landlord, awake.

As for the Armondo thing with you splitting up, you are letting your mind race with notions and thoughts. That's what happens when you stare at clocks. I'm not making light of whats happening ... that really does occur when you stare at time and let your mind wander.

Granted, you are raising Cherry like a single mom. It happens; it happened to me.

As for friends, I have no room to speak on that. If you read my blog recently, I explained how between a psycho and abusive late husband, and my child, I have lost contact with nearly all of my friends. Hey, I'm lonely, too. But I refuse to let it get to me. I've gotten this far in the world, and I have no plans of giving up.

Look, just e-mail me, dammit! If we lived closer, I'd visit you. But that would also mean I'd have a better opportunity to slap you upside the head. Believe me, I'd love to be there for you.

And I dress Dinks in Gap clothes. I hope that isn't a strike against me.

Kim said...

I don't have kids and don't think I understand pregnancy hormones, but I have had some friends go through what you are.

I'm sure it makes it very hard on you to not have Armondo and agree that you would be much more depressed if he was not there ever again. When he gets home perhaps you should have a sit down and discuss you feelings with him.

I'm more than willing to talk and I hope this passes for you and you are feeling better.

If you are not getting along with your friends and they are not helping you to like them better, then they are not your friends. I have one friend from my childhood that I still talk to every so often. I am not a hang out kind of person, so kind of understand you.

Anonymous said...

okay, i admit it, i really laughed when you wrote "Well, she'd BETTER look good in that dress, 'cause it's the only thing she EVER wears". you know why? because secretly i was thinking that as well.

its like you need a social club. to just get out of the house and think about other things. i never was big into book clubs (basically because i dont like thinking that much) but something like that allows you to talk about stuff that isn't cherry or armondo, but lets YOU talk about what YOU think- in other words, you get to express your opinion without it being about someone else.

and please msg me in the evenings. i know i dont have a baby and can't relate to that stuff, but i can still listen and chat and stuff!

also: who has a shoe collection to rival madonna? i want to envy them as well!

ellure

CeCe said...

Debambam~I'll have to add you to the MSN that I actually use. I added you to one a long time ago that I rarely use. When I was talking about the "baby groups" that's what I meant-they're mothers' groups or playgroups. In Sept, I'll probably search one out. There are several around. Thanks for the supporting words.

Melora~The sushi job wouldn't pay as well as what he will EVENTUALLY be making, but it would pay better than what he USED to make. And I don't so much think that it was the SAHM thing that made me feel this way, I think it's the fact that Armondo, my best friend is gone, and I didn't have much "back up"!

Andrea~I agree with you. I need to stop *wanting* to hang out with those types.

Maidink~Uh, thanks, I think... um, I think I'm glad you live far away, I don't think I need your beats!! And it's ok that Dinks wears Gap. In fact, Cherry was even wearing some Gap today too. Mind you, it was given as a gift, and was bought at a garage sale, but it's Gap none-the-less!

Kim~Thanks, and yeah, I know which friends I should try to hang out with more now.

Ellure~ACK! You can't VALIDATE my bad behaviour by AGREEING WITH ME!!
And as far as joining a club or something, that's a good idea, but it's really hard to join anything when I never know if I'm going to have someone to watch Cherry. I tried joining Choir last year.. remember? I'd love to get back into an acting class! And besides PAIGE (a two year old, for those of you who don't know) having a shoe collection that rivals Madonna's, I was talking about some of my restaurant co-workers mostly!

K. said...

My gosh girl, are we the same person? Because we sure as hell are going through the same things. I get so depressed sometimes I think about leaving my hubby too. I say to myself, "well he is going to be Iraq when this baby is born and for the whole first year. Since I am going to be doing it by myself anyway, I might as well BE by myself." And that is just the tip of the iceburg to my misery. I can relate to so many things in your post it is not even funny. But I think (I hope) that we are both going to be alright. Eventually. ((hugs))