Sunday, May 14, 2006

Why am I so bitter in general?

Here are just some little snipbits of reasons why I'm a little bitter. These examples are not meant to be totally inclusive, but are just some highlights.

My Father~Left me twice with incompetent women. The first time he left me with my mother who, among other things, snorted cocaine in front of me, and abandoned me for days at random people's houses. The second time, he left me with the mother of his son (my stepmother) who emotionally and physically abused me for years.

He and I have gotten along well for years now, and I love him dearly but find him very hard to deal with when this is the response I get when I email him to tell him I'm pregnant:

Dear Mutley,

Don`t people just practice anymore??? I guess congrats are in order I don`t know what else to say??? Go forth and I guess you figured out how it happens.

Luv ya ta bits,


Sure he says "Luv ya ta bits" and I know he does, but I'm just so sick of the sarcastic, tough guy act!

He visited for two weeks and held Cherry maybe five times. He just hung out in the guest room the majority of the time and it seemed like such a huge chore for him to have family time with us.

My Mother~Lived with her on and off until I was five. Been in and out of jail for as long as I can remember. May or may not still be using drugs, but is completely screwed up from past drug use. Hasn't phoned me or seen me since I was eight months pregnant last time. I'm not too worried about that though, because it was around that time that she got someone to threaten to beat up my grandparents if they didn't give them (her) $600.

Stepmother~ Lived with her from 5 1/2 to 16 years old. Slapped me around, destroyed all of my belongings on several occasions, grounded me FROM SCHOOL because I had a boyfriend and had made out with him. The grounding included banning me from using razors so I couldn't shave my armpits, thinking that would make it less likely for me to be "felt up". She also told my doctor I was sleeping around when I had basically only french kissed a guy. She got wasted the night before Easter one year, and didn't wake up early enough in the morning to hide the eggs, so I went and found them all in her closet and hid them so my brother and the family friends who were coming would have an Easter egg hunt. I later got in trouble because I had forgotten to take the price tags off of the candy. Got kicked out once because I said I wanted to VISIT my father, got kicked out a second time because I refused to quit a job she had forced me to get in the first place.

Half-brother~Six years younger than I am. I lived with him until he was 10. I loved the kid, and the only reason why I stayed living with his mother was so I could stay close to him. After years of brainwashing by his mother, the kid totally hates me and is more than nasty to me when I have had the occasional contact with him over the past few years.

My Mother's mother~Love this woman, but am starting to loathe her due to the fact that she constantly rags on me for having pets, and she does nothing but complains. (I think I got that trait from her!)

My Father's mother~A wonderful lady, but she seems to be able to visit Scotland, Chicago, Florida, and Vegas in a year, but doesn't take the time to come visit her first great-grandchild.

My Husband's mother~Lives an hour and a half away, yet has only come and visited Cherry three times. Promised to babysit Cherry 3 nights a week so I could work while Armondo was away, but backed out. Went to sister-in-law's house 24 hours away to do the exact same thing.
Dislikes the fact that we have a relationship with some family that she doesn't like.

My Husband's father~apologized recently for bad behaviour. I have forgiven him. I can move on.

Some of my husband's sisters~Accused me of: "corrupting" their brother, stealing from another sister, being MEAN to said sister, lying about their mother.

Husband's Aunt #1 (mother's sister)~ Told one of my husband's sisters that she didn't want to come visit Armondo and Cherry if I was home too.

Husband's Aunt #2 (mother's brother's wife)~No longer talks to me because of something cryptic I said about her in my old blog. It was nothing nasty, and it was disguised. She flipped. Her daughter flipped. Also, asked Armondo questions about her husband's behaviour while the two of them were away together. Armondo told the truth. No longer talks to us.

Husband's Uncle (husband of above aunt)~Has been saying to other relatives that Armondo was a spy "sent" by his wife to keep her in the know about his bad behaviour. Has refused treatment for his problems and no longer talks to us.

Yeah, so there are just a few things that I'm a little pissed about. I realize that it's MY problem and that none of these things should really bother me, but they do. And it makes me very defensive and cocky.


Cherrypie said...

Yep. I can see why some of that stuff might make you a little bitter. Glad that you're dealing with what's important to you and moving on. Things like that can cause a tough protective outer shell to form. xx

andrea said...

This is weird. I read Belinda's tribute to the fantastic women in her life and did not respond because I was so jealous. Then I read yours and just want to cry because your people have been so selfish. I guess I bring up the middle somewhere and can only say, "Honour those who are good to you and run like hell from those who aren't." That's what I've tried to do, but still I know that it's the world's haredst thing to disengage from those who you imprinted on. It goes against nature and everything you've been taught. There's that old chestnut, "Living well is the best revenge." Sounds like you are.

Kim said...

That would definitely make me bitter. We went through a lot of problems with my brother and sister. My mom has a saying that hangs in her office "Cherish the people who love you and don't worry about those that don't"

I hope it gets better

Joyce said...

Okay, yes you can be pissed. Just don't allow that to define you (and you're obviously not.) Way to go for sharing so honestly.Sorry about the crappy women in your life. (none of these things should bother me, but they do)----- listen up- those are a lot of obstacles and you bet they bother you. If they didn't you wouldn't have a pulse.

Mr. Fabulous said...

I am surprised to hear about all this. The reason I am surprised is because you are so level headed and sensible and are obviously like one of the top five or six moms in the world (not to mention a super-cool wife).

To have accomplished that under the best of upbringings is an impressive task unto itself. But to have done it while overcoming all that adversity is nothing short of a miracle.

You guys are the best.

Melora said...

I'm so sorry you missed out in the "good mom" department. Seems like you came through it with a real determination and knowledge of how to do the right thing for your own babies. When I posted about my own winner of a mom, I hope it didn't seem like I was trying to rub it in the faces of those who got less lucky! As you said about your own mothering skills, you compare yourself to other moms and recognize that you are doing a particularly good job. I know my mom is an exceptionally good mom, and, like you, she always let us know that being a mom was what she Wanted to be, and that being our mom brought her great joy. Sure she did other things, and she did them well, but she told me many times that the thing she had always wanted most was to be a good mom. With your priorities, great relationship with your husband, and love, I think your kids have it made!

CeCe said...

Cherrypie~Yeah, it's really hard for me to not be a jerk and super defensive!

Andrea~When I read Belinda's tribute, it just made me want to be JUST LIKE her mom and mom-in-law. I can't change the past, but I hope that I can be nice to our future.. Thank you for your words of wisdom!

Kim~Yeah, that's a good motto to live by! I think I need to start writing these down!

Joyce~Ha ha, thanks for "yes, you can be pissed" it's good to hear!

Mr. Fab~Geez thanks! That was one compliment filled comment!

Melora~I thought your tribute was cute! I like reading about other mothers who did well, because I can take some of those examples and use them myself! I don't have any "real" examples, I might as well steal your example!

Erin said...

My Mom's amazing, but my dad is a real ass of a man. I can sympathize with wanting to do things differently than your parents did.

You are obviously an amazing mom. Cherry is so lucky to have you.

debambam said...

mmm bitter probably wouldn't cut it for me, homicidal MAY just make the grade though...I admire your patience and stamina love...

sally said...

geez cece...people are strange are they not? but to have so many strange people to deal with ( or not as the case may be) would make the best of us a little cranky.

keep the nice ones with you and to hell with the rest.

Belinda said...

I've known most of this stuff about you, and as I've told you before, I am BEYOND IMPRESSED at the person you became in spite of (perhaps partly because of?) all you faced in life, and how little real support you've had. You are an amazing, loving, inspiring woman.

YOU are only responsible in life for YOU. What other people think, say, or do is NOT your responsibility, ever, regardless of how much they may try and make you feel that it is. "Kill them with kindness," as my mother would asvise, and just be your real, true, sweet self, no matter what THEY are doing in return. Eventually, they'll wonder what it is you have that they don't, and some of them may come around. Some may not, but again, not your problem.

Your dad--that email reads as someone who himself is/was emotionally stunted at some point in life. You may well be his only hope for a real emotional connection with family. That line "I don't know what to say" is probably the truest sentiment he could express--he doesn't know what to say, because he's not even sure how he feels, or what is "normal" to feel. I see a real opportunity here, and I'm so glad you're not shutting him out.

You will never, ever, in your life regret being compassionate and loving, even if those things are not returned in kind. You would, however, come to regret it if you allowed yourself to be "lowered" as a person.

And I don't find you at all "bitter." Pragmatic? Perhaps. Bitter? No. You are a darling of a person. Your whole family is lucky to have you, especially the 2.5 that share your home!

julie said...

I can see why you would feel bitter given your past. But I also see from those pics you have two absolutely beautiful children, and they are your future now. You can
overcome your past and give your children a different life.

Diego_M said...

I was going to read your blog, but I'm so hateful right now that I couldn't stand that deep pink color in that you pick for the freaking background :|