The hostess sat them at their table, then came to warn me about the weirdness I was about to encounter. I hadn't quite seen them at this point, but I could smell the alcohol on them from half way across the room.
When I got to the table, the woman was heavily concentrating on rolling up her paper place mat, and the man was leaning back in the booth and almost sliding over to the side.
I asked them what they wanted to drink and they both ordered a beer. When I brought them their beer, I asked if they wanted anything to eat, and the guy says "Do you have fries here?"
I answer, "Yes I can bring you some fries."
"Can I have a poutine?"
"I'm sorry sir, we don't serve poutine."
"Can't you MAKE me a poutine?"
"Sorry, sir, we don't really have any gravy here."
"What? How can you not have gravy?"
"Well, we have peppercorn sauce, but no gravy sir. It's more like an au juice, and would probably be too runny for pou..."
He mutters. "Stupid F*#*ing restaurant, what kind of restaurant....?"
"Ma'am, would you care for anything to eat?" I say, turning to the woman.
"Sir, would YOU like anything to eat?"
"No, I want poutine!"
The man asks for his bill.
When I deliver the bill, the woman turns to me.
"I want this placemat all rolled up like this!"
"Ok ma'am, that's fine, you can have that placemat ANY way you'd like it!"
"Can you maybe bring me a piece of tape, so I can keep it like this?"
(Lying) "Sorry, Ma'am, but I don't think we have any tape in the restaurant. But you can take it home and do what every you'd like to it!"
I left the two of them to drink their beer, and I went to go take a look in the parking lot to see if they had driven a car there, 'cause there was no way I was going to let them drive home in the condition they were in. All I could see were staff cars and the truck the other table drove up in. I warn the hostess and the busgirl that the two of them are likely to walk out on the bill, so there should always be one of us out front at any given time. In the meantime, a third table has shown up.
As the two of them get up to leave, they start to fight. The man comes up to the til and pays the bill, as the woman stops at another table where there are customers and starts swearing and staring at them. Luckily, the table she was harassing was just two teenage boys who were friends of the busgirl. (the other table we had was in a totally different room, and they missed most of the action.)
After the man pays the bill, (and leaves me a $1.50 tip on an $11 bill), he asks me to "pretend" that he didn't pay the bill and to pursue his sister (who, by now, we've decided has some sort of mental illness), to pay the bill. I tell him "No I can't do that." And when he starts to try to convince the hostess to do the same, she replies with "That's mean."
He then asks me to call them a cab. Then he says to his sister "Ok, I'm leaving now, pay the girls."
He leaves and his sister starts FLIPPING OUT! "Stupid fu#*king brother, he's an A$$HOLE!"
"He was joking!" The hostess and I try to convince her over and over.
She then starts getting closer and closer to the hostess, backing her right into the liquor room, at which point our boss catches on to what's happening and comes out of the back to figure out the situation.
John stands there for a good minute or two looking at her while she rants and raves, when he finally asks her to leave. She hadn't noticed him at first, and when she sees him, she says "Whoa, he's MEAN..." (he's not) and "Whoa he's BIG!" (which he is also not). "What's HE doing there?"
"I'm asking you to leave! Your cab is outside, it's time for you to leave."
"I'm not leaving with that bastard! I live across the street!"
"That's fine, you need to leave now!"
"Because you're drunk and the bill is paid, and you're disrupting my restaurant. You need to remove yourself, and if you don't, I will phone the cops, and I'll get THEM to remove you!"
"I have TWO sisters who are RCMP!"
"That's fine, do you want me to call THEM?!?"
"Why would you do that?!?!"
"BECAUSE YOU'RE DRUNK!"
"I'm was born in Newfoundland, and so was my brother. He was born in Newfoundland."
I didn't hear the rest of the exchange, as I had to go to my other table, but in the end she left, and we didn't have to call the cops. She also apologized for her brother and left a five dollar tip.
Which means I got a 50% tip overall.