A Visit to Daddy.

A few weeks ago, we drove up to where Armondo's boat was docked for a day, and we had a quick visit. We hadn't seen him for a VERY long time.

First, we went to a little diner and had some lunch.


Cherry was VERY happy to see her daddy!


Then we took some time to play with the Sea Lions (arouf ar ar ar)





Then we had dinner in the Galley on the boat. Armondo cooked! And yes, that's Paris Hilton on the calendar in the background.

When we first got there, the tide was pretty low, so we could see all sorts of star fish on the rocks just below the water. One of them was a good two to three feet across! It was huge! Anyway, I guess when she saw them, Cherry started singing "Twinkle Twinkle" with her Aunt (with whom we drove up there with, and who's (whose?) husband is the skipper). Well, when she sings "Twinkle Twinkle" she refers to the stars as "DeDe stars" (just like she calls her BABY sister "DeDe")

SOOO.. now when I say "Hey, where's Daddy?"

Cherry answers: "On da doat, with the DeDe tars!" (On the boat with the baby stars) And then she'll say "And the seeeos!" (and the seals!) Which are actually sea lions, but I don't argue the point too much with her!

It was really great for us to be able to take Cherry to see her dad on the boat, 'cause now she has a much more concrete concept as to where her daddy is. Now when I pray with her at night and ask God to keep Daddy safe, she says "Daddy on da doat?" I think it makes it much easier for her to handle him being gone, as she now really knows what's going on.

The Kids.

I really want to blog. But now that so much time has passed, it feels like there's so much "catching up" to do, that I just don't know where to start! So, I'll just tell you about the kids. Of course!

On May 23rd, Peach sat on her own, which of course happened at play group when I didn't have my camera. And hasn't happened since. But I had witnesses! And now that she's old enough to sit on her own, she can now go in her jumper!


Cherry is a big fan of HOCKEY! and was super excited when we bought some hockey sticks.


Not quite as exciting, but still pretty fun, is her new t-ball set.

Also fun, is her new (used and still dirty, but I know where the dirt came from) playground equipment. She's seen here with her friend O.L.



And here she is, sitting in "time out" after repeatedly pushing her friend O.L. She ACTUALLY stayed there when I put her there. First time she had a real time out, and I think it worked! It ended with her saying sorry to her friend, and she didn't push him again.

Weird Kid.

So, I'm vacuuming my bedroom, and Cherry is up on my bed watching me, when the following conversation occurs:

Cherry: Want some, want SOME!!!!

Me: Huh? What do you want?

Cherry: Want some, want SOME!!! *wildly jumps up and down on my bed*

Me: I'm sorry sweety, I don't understand what you want.

Cherry: *randomly pointing her finger* Want SOME!

Me: *cluing in* Oh!!! You want me to vacuum you?!?!

Cherry: Okay!!!!







What a weirdo!

Goodbye Jacy.

A little over a year ago, Belinda sent me a wonderful little poodle from Arkansas named Jacy.

She's a great dog.

But today, I sent her away. Unfortunately, our home wasn't her forever home, and for that, I feel terribly sorry. It's not that we didn't like her; we do. It's not that she wasn't a good dog; she is. It's just that when I committed to having her join our family, I was one child less and one husband more, and it wasn't hard to spend time with her, take her for walks, bathe her, trim her, cuddle her, etc. I cannot remember the last time I bathed her or trimmed her-I think the last trim was before Christmas, except for a touch up around her face, and the last bath was over a month ago. And for a white poodle, that just isn't often enough! And I have no clue when her last walk was. Walking two kids and two dogs is a little insane. Annie MIGHT have a bit more of a chance of getting walks now that she's the only dog, but she might just have to get her exercise running around the front yard chasing Cherry. (Annie is in no need of more exercise, she's a very healthy, strong, dog who is in great shape. Jacy was getting a little pudgy.)

Jacy is also a lap dog, and unfortunately, while Armondo is gone months at a time, there is only one lap here available for her, and with a nursing baby, two needy cats, and a crazy, monkey like toddler, there wasn't much room on this lap for her. It's amazing the difference between a lap dog and a floor dog. Sure they both want pets and cuddles and attention, but for some reason, the floor dog doesn't seem to take it so hard when you shoo her away!

I never wanted to be one of those people who treats animals as "disposable", so I feel incredibly guilty about letting her go, but hopefully she'll find the perfect home.

The most important thing I can take from this is: NO MORE PETS. THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU TAKE ON THIS KIND OF RESPONSIBLILITY!

So, here are some photos to remember dear Jacy by:




And from our camping trip last year.


A big thanks goes out to Andrea for "fostering" Jacy and arranging for her to find her way up to Alaska where Erin (of former Pupsickle fame) will hopefully find her permanent home.


And PS..
I WILL do the meme I got tagged for! Just give me a day or so!

Thank You!

I appreciate all the support you've been passing on. I'm sorry I haven't been responding to each comment, but I HAVE been reading them, and if I WAS responding to them, it would look something like this:

Thanks.

Thank you.

I agree, Thanks.

You're great, thanks.

So, there you go. Thank you. And just 'cause I don't really have anything specific to write back to each comment, please don't think that I want you to stop commenting!

And, here, to liven this post up:
Cherry says: "See Momma, I DO love my little sister! Can't you tell?"
Peach says: "Help me!"

Feeling sorry for myself.

Trying to deal with my depression is bringing up issues for me. I'm not currently seeing a therapist or anything, but sometimes I think about what would come up if I WAS seeing a therapist.

And I'm feeling sorry for myself.

Not my self today, but my self as a child.

I have two beautiful little girls, who undeniably are MY children. Sure Peach looks more like her daddy, and is funny like him, but overall, I can see myself in both of my girls. And I love them more than anything in the world. I would do anything for them. I'm trying my best to provide for them, and to protect them. And I try my best to be the best possible mother to them.

Then I think about myself as a child. Why didn't my mother do all those things for me? Why did she abandon me over and over and over?

Why did my step mother hate me so much? Why did she hurt me so much?

I look back at that little girl and I see a very, very scared and hurt child.

And it all makes me sad. I wish I could scoop up my former child self and give her a big hug and love her and protect her.

But I can't. So, I will try my best to be the best for my children.

Can't leave that depressing post up top for too long...

So, I give you this:

The Truth. It hurts.

I wrote this the evening of April 30th in an email to a friend (sorry, the formatting is a little weird. It looks fine as I type it):

I'm calling my doctor first thing tomorrow morning to discuss my current
bout of depression.

It's funny; I've known I've been depressed for awhile now, but I was hoping
to "get over it" after the pregnancy was done, and to "wait the winter out"
and see how I was in the spring. Well, I DID get better once the pregnancy
was over, or at least I thought I had. I mean, I now have these two
beautiful little girls, and I can look at them and experience so much joy!
I mean, any time I'm feeling down, I can just tickle one of my girls or
snuggle with them, and it goes away. But I knew that underneath all the
joyful MOMENTS, there was this long lasting dull depression that wasn't
really going away. But there was still spring on the horizon, so I thought
I'd wait it out a little more.

I discussed some of this with Armondo, telling him that I felt like I might
need to go back onto anti-depressants, and his immediate response was "How
much is that going to cost?" We're not exactly in the best financial
position right now due to him taking a bunch of time off when Peach was
born, as well as owing thousands of dollars in income tax, so when he said
that, I immediately felt guilty for "wanting" to spend money on something.
And while he was home, I was trying really hard to implement a budget for us
to follow while we struggled through this rough patch, and he would make me
feel like I was "punishing" him or something by not letting him buy a CD one
week 'cause we had already spent the budget for that week. He got the CD a
couple of days later, but he still whined about how he's "working so hard
and isn't even allowed to spend any of (his) money."

But then he left again for fishing. And the paranoia started to kick in
again. I have these horrible thoughts of "bad men" hiding in closets and
hurting my children. I have sticks in their windows that have alarms in
them, so I can hear if anyone tries to open their windows, but still, I'm
paranoid. It takes me hours to fall asleep at night sometimes due to the
fact that I'm "scared" and/or I'm thinking about our financial difficulties
or thinking about Armondo dying out on the sea, and how, exactly I'd react and
deal with the loss-to the point of "rehearsing" the whole thing in my mind
over and over and over.

Then there's the whole "my house is going to catch on fire in the middle of
the night and how am I going to get all the animals AND my children out of
the house in time" story line that haunts me all the time.

Well, the other night, I decided to take fate into my own hands and actually
MADE A PLAN TO BURN DOWN MY HOUSE.

I spent over two hours laying in bed thinking about it. I would pack the
kids and the dogs up for a trip to my MIL's house, and let the cats outside.
I'd pack a bunch of the kids' favourite toys and a few important things of
mine, and make sure that the other important things like jewelry and papers
were all safe in our fire box. Armondo has most of his favourite things with
him on the boat, so there wouldn't be too much he'd miss that wouldn't be
replaceable. Then, the plan was to turn on a stove element, lay a roll of
paper towel on the element, put a bottle of cooking oil really close by and
leave the house.

In my mind burning down the house would solve a couple of problems, the most
prevalent would be to solve the rat problem in the crawl space, and we'd be
able to get money from the insurance in order to renovate the house, which
we've been trying to bit by bit but just can't afford to complete. (our
bathroom floor is rotting out, for instance) Also, we'd re-build or move to
a new house, which would hopefully have all new electrical, which would
"solve" my fear of the house burning down in the first place.

The next day (April 29th) I talked on the phone with one of my friends and
told her I wasn't feeling all that great, and that I *thought* I might be
having some emotional problems and that I might need to see a doctor. I
deliberately didn't tell her about my plan to burn down the house, 'cause I
WAS STILL PLANNING ON DOING IT, even after a night of rest. I didn't want
to tell anyone, 'cause I wanted it to look like an accident, and I didn't
want anyone to rat me out.

I went about my daily routine, and while I was bathing the kids, I started
to read through my insurance policy to make sure we were actually covered
enough to make the whole thing 'worth it'. I had rehearsed in my head how I
would react when I got home and saw the house burned down, deciding that I
wouldn't 'act' at all, but would rather just let my natural emotions take
over. I planned my words carefully though, so that I would never actually
"lie" to anyone. I would say "What do you think caused the fire?" to the
firemen, and then I'd say "Oh, I KNEW something was wrong when I left town!"
and I would say things like "It's all my fault!" and everyone would think
I was telling the truth, which I would, indeed be doing.

So, partway through reading the insurance policy, I started to realize that
I was actually, completely crazy. As in NOT SANE. Sane people don't plan
to burn down their houses.

I put the kids to bed and tried calling my father, who I knew would listen
to me, and not immediately call social services. I was scared to talk to
anyone else. He didn't answer his phone, so I started to panic. I couldn't
tell anyone what was going on with me, 'cause I was so scared that they'd
think I was going to hurt my children and they'd get taken away from me, or
that "they" would take me away to a psych ward and my children (one of whom
is still breast feeding) would be put into "care" somewhere. I couldn't
risk that.

So, I talked online to a friend who is currently in Japan teaching. She was
pretty good at "listening" to me, and getting it all out made me feel
better. It was telling someone that I was going to burn down the house that
made me throw that plan out completely. I mean, I couldn't exactly burn
down the house after I TOLD someone about it, right?

While I was online last night, I looked up the symptoms of post partum
depression. I don't really have any of the symptoms that are specific to
PPD, as in wanting to hurt my children, but I DO have almost all of the
symptoms of regular major depression and an anxiety disorder. It was sort
of scary reading the symptoms, 'cause I knew I was depressed, but I didn't
realize how CRAZY I actually was. When I started to read about how hearing
'voices' was a possible, very dangerous symptom, I all of a sudden realized,
that I had, indeed been hearing voices, and had been for a long time, but
didn't even really think anything of it. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?!?! The
'voices" I had been hearing though weren't telling me to do anything, or
really saying anything at all. I never made out any words, it just seemed
like I could hear people talking on the other side of a wall or something.

On the first of May, I went to the doctor and she put me on anti-depressants. I've taken them for a few days now, and I can't say whether they are working or not, but the fact that I'm being pro-active about what's happening to me has made me feel a bit better. She wants me to take them for two weeks then return for a visit to find out how they are working and if we need to adjust the dosage or type of med. Currently they are making me nauseous and very hungry, mostly for fatty snack foods, which isn't making me feel all that great about myself. I think I'm sleeping better now though, as I'm not staying awake for hours thinking about how messed up everything is. I feel more in "control" of what's happening to me now, which, really is good, 'cause the feeling of being out of control is what causes me to lose it in the first place.

My good friend Tricia came and stayed with me for two nights this week, which was totally awesome. She was here while I adjusted to the new meds, and she helped to take the edge off by entertaining Cherry, and even let me get an extra nap in! She is an awesome friend.

I don't know where to take this post now. I guess I just feel like if I tell my small corner of the world what I'm going through, that maybe it might help someone else out. Talk to your doctor if you're feeling weird. And do it before you have a breakdown.

Their love is rock steady.

She took some of her favourite things and took them for a ride in the stroller.

Took them all around the house....What are they? They are her beloved rocks. So beloved, in fact....





That she took them to bed.

Cherry "used" the potty!

I heard her grunting and saw her squatting, so I swooped her up and put her on the potty, and SUCCESS! For the first time. So, she got some chocolate and a sticker (chocolate for sitting on the potty; sticker for completing the task.)

And then Jacy stealthily snuck into the bathroom and ate the contents of the potty.

I hate dogs.

I know they're saggy.... but?

Cherry and I always rehearse body parts. This usually takes place during bath or diaper time, and usually consists of the basics: Eyes, earrrrs, nose, mouf, kneeees, etc.

Yesterday, as I was changing her diaper, we were going through the list when suddenly Cherry grabs my breasts and yells out "KNEEEEEES!"

Thanks kid.

Dear Blog

We've been together now for almost two years in one form or another, and we've really had some good times. But I think it's time we down grade our relationship from "lovers" to "just friends".

You have to admit, you saw this coming.

It's not you, really... it's me. I just don't have the time for this major commitment anymore. My children and home come first; it's time for me to stop neglecting them for you. Sure, most of the time when you and I are together, we're talking about the children, but I think it's time for a little less talking about the kids and a little more interaction with them.

It's not just you I have to see less of, it's the whole Internet, really. I only have time for all of you in the morning when I'm eating my cereal and in the evening after all the housework is done. And with so many things to do online, it'll be hard to devote so much time to you specifically.

I'm not saying that we won't see each other at all anymore. I mean it when I say I want to be friends, but that means I'll really only be able to check in every once in awhile.

I cannot forget you completely.

With much love,
~CeCe

PS. Things might change when the days get shorter and the nights are long and lonely again.

Seven whole days, and no blogging?

Ok, so there's only so many hours in a day. And there is so much stuff to do each day. There's diapers to change, kids to feed, dishes to wash, laundry to do, tv to watch, children falling down stairs, and Facebook is dang addictive. So, that's why I haven't been here.

And then, there's those slight marital problems that keep me busy too. But enough about that.


So...

Peach tried her first real food yesterday!
And that's all I have the energy for!

Easter Photos.

Unfortunately, I forgot my camera. Also dissapointing, is that Grandma insisted that Cherry was cold and covered up her pretty dress. So, here are some of the photos from Easter taken with someone else's not-so-great camera.

For two toddlers, there was way more than enough candy!

Stupid bunny ears, just wouldn't stay on!

She had a lot of trouble biting into this one candy, which looked just like an actual TOY care bear and not candy. But once she figured it out, she loved it.

And the babies, well they couldn't do much except just sit around a look cute. ("Banana" and papa up top, and Armondo and Peach on the bottom)

Ketchup with Cherry.

Cherry hasn't ceased to amaze me these past couple of weeks. Every day she comes up with some new phrase or saying that just cracks me up. A lot of it is mimicking, of course, but sometimes when she says stuff, and it really fits for the occasion, it just blows my mind.

Some of her current sayings:

"Momma, (or Daddy, or DeDe) where are yoooouuuuu?"
"Let's go, let's go!"
"Bwush tee! chussh shish shish" (Brush teeth with sounds)

She can count to three, which she's been doing for months now, but I don't think I've documented it. But she can only do it in one language, which makes me think she's not watching enough Dora.

She can identify hearts and stars and circles, but has no interest in squares or triangles, etc.

She's still as crazy as ever at the playground, and today figured out how to climb UP the slide at the park. A very TALL slide. And no, I didn't have my camera. We might go back there tomorrow though.

She's starting to be more of a cuddler, which I'm enjoying immensely, and I'm thankful that Armondo is home right now so I can pass off Peach in order to spend time with my first born.

But the biggest news:

She will now sit on the potty.

That's it. No peeing or pooing on the potty. Just sitting. And she gets her tiny piece of chocolate reward. This is a HUGE event though. Just last week she would cry and run away from the potty if we mentioned it. (I have no idea why-there was never any tragic event, I don't think.) And now, she'll ask to sit on it. Obviously she's only asking in order to get chocolate, but hey, it's a start! I'm not expecting any quick progress in this area, and in fact, I'm not even totally ready for her to learn how to use the potty. We're planning on a huge road trip in the summer, and I'd hate to have to pull over every time she felt the urge to pee. Diapers might be easier. But then, there's that whole "impact on the Earth" thing that I feel so guilty about. *sigh*

She's going through some terrible face problems right now, which sucks. Her nose has this crusty scab in one nostril and it hasn't stopped running for two weeks now. It looks horrible, and it hurts her to wipe it, so most of the time we just let it run. Which is pretty gross, and makes me one of those parents that lets their kid run around with a snotty face. I always said I wouldn't be one of those mothers. Grr. She also has a pretty bad case of acne right now too, which is unfortunate. Needless to say, there hasn't been a lot of photos taken of her so far this month. I hope things clear up a bit before Sunday, 'cause we're doing all of our Easter celebrations that day at the MIL's house, and all the cousins are still around. And where there's cousins, there's many, many photos being taken. Oh, and that zit I mentioned, like 8 months ago that was on her chin? Still there. It's been there for about a year now, if not more. The same zit. Never goes away. Unlike before though, I don't get the chance to pop it as often as I used to.

So, it's midnight now, and I should head to bed. I might write something interesting for YOU guys someday soon. We'll see!

Ketchup with Peach

Armondo and I have been putting off getting Peach her first round of shots. We could blame it on being busy but I think the truth is that we were just stalling, 'cause it really sucks to hurt your little baby!

Today though, we had to do it. There's an exceptionally long weekend coming up with Easter, and we weren't sure we'd get another chance before Armondo ships off again. And I really wanted to do it while Armondo was actually home 'cause it would be hard to get someone to watch Cherry.

So, today was the day, and at first, I had Armondo all ready to take her in, but I decided that I would buck up and do it myself 'cause it would probably be nicer for Peach to have her mom and her mammaries close by for comfort.

Peach had been very sleepy so far during the day, and hadn't done much interacting up until the point when I sat down with her in the nurse's office. She looked up at me and gave me one of her cute gummy smiles, just as the nurse gave her her first poke of four. That was the last smile I saw from her all day. She cried quite a bit, but settled down in the waiting room where Daddy and Cherry were playing. Once we got home, all four of us took a nap, and then after we awoke, Peach cried for an hour and would cry out again each time we touched or moved her legs. Poor kid. When I put her to bed this evening, she went down without much of a fuss, but her eyes were puffy from crying, and she didn't do any of her normal cooing. Peach doesn't normally cry. Honestly. She's one of the smiliest, quietest, happiest babies ever, and maybe cries a total of five minutes a day. So, today was especially hard. On all of us! Cherry was a bit extra whiney too today, as she's never happy when her DeDe (baby) cries. I sure hope Peach is feeling better by tomorrow!

The nurse today said that Peach was a little on the smallish side. Tonight, I looked it up, and she's almost three months old, and using the percentiles for that age, she's between the 50th and 75th for length, and she's at the 25th for weight. (24inches, 11 3/4 lbs). I'm not too worried about her size though, 'cause she seems to eat well, and she's quite strong, so I think she's pretty healthy. I could have sworn though, that she was bigger than Cherry was at the same age, but looking back at Cherry's records, she was actually right around the same size. It seems to me that she's growing out of clothing faster than Cherry did. Maybe it's 'cause I wanted Cherry to grow fast and reach each milestone faster, but with Peach, I want to savour and enjoy each little baby moment. I have to say, it is a lot easier to enjoy Peach's baby moments as she's such an calm baby. It wasn't until Cherry reached 2 1/2 months that she finally started to break out of her colicky stage. (The age that Peach is now.)

I will be having more time to blog and relax now, 'cause Peach is starting to develop a sleep routine. She'll go to bed around 7pm, which is the same time as Cherry, and will only wake for feedings during the night and will sleep well past 10 am if she is fed quickly and is not let to wake up completely. At least this is what's been happening for the past few days. It would be really nice if it keeps up, 'cause I have missed my evenings! Before Peach was born, I'd relax for a bit after Cherry went to sleep, then I'd do cleaning, and I'd either watch TV or blog. Since Peach was born, I'd have to choose between cleaning or blogging, or neither if she didn't go to bed until really late. Currently, I put Peach to bed in her crib and then I will bring her into my bed when she wakes in the night. I will probably keep this up until she needs less feedings at night, or she starts to move around a lot. With Armondo being gone most of the time, it's not much of an issue to have her in the bed. When he IS home, if the bed gets too crowded, I'll either move Peach to her crib or bassinette, or kick Armondo to the couch.

Besides that, there's not much to report. She's cute, she's smart, she laughs, she rolls over, and she's sleeping well.

Short Ketchup before a real post.

I haven't written much lately 'cause Armondo has been home, and for some reason, he wants me to hang out with him. Tonight he asked me to rent a movie, but I said I had to blog. I have obligations, and I haven't been keeping up with them!

So, that's my excuse. That, and I've sort of been getting a little bored of blogging. Not totally, but just a little. I think it's 'cause it feels like blogging takes away from life, and life takes away from blogging, and I don't seem to have enough time for either. And, you know, both life and blogging come after sleep. And Lost. And American Idol. And please, PLEASE, America, stop voting for Sanjaya. He's a nice guy, he's cute-in a little boy way, and he can sing better than I can, but really, he's not that good!

Ok, so I'll post this now, and then start writing a bit about my cute kids. 'Cause even if I don't blog about myself, I should keep up the part about the kids, so I can print it out for the baby books.

The kid's a genius, I tell ya!

So, the kid can roll over front to back now! And it's darn cute! (March 30, 2007)

Oh, and she can blow bubbles too:

Of Doctors and Shopping.

I've been busy. Do you care?

Armondo is home. So, I'm using him to watch the kids and we're getting stuff done that would be harder if there was just me.

~Went to the doc to discuss birth control and my neck pain. I will be starting the pill soon, and may go to see a massage therapist.

~Waited for a VERY long time at the Service Canada offices in order to get Peach's SIN and to get mine switched over to my married name (three years after the fact.)

~Shopped for new pants for me, as I don't fit any of my old pants yet. And I feel like jumping off of a bridge due to the nastiness I had to look at in the mirror several dozen times today. I found one pair of pants. Out of probably 30 pairs I tried.

~Did our taxes yesterday. Expecting that I made a mistake or two. Taxes are darn confusing sometimes. Used tax software. Will use it again. (UFile is cheap.)

~Taking Peach to get her first round of shots tomorrow. Armondo is being a sweety and is going to do the actual holding of the baby. It's my "turn" since I made him take Cherry last time, but he volunteered, and I'm not going to argue!

~I'm also going to the pool for the first time post partum. I will be wearing shorts and a tank top over my bathing suit as per usual.

That is all.

Thank you!

Thanks to all the comments and emails you all left me when I asked for help in figuring out a budget!

I think one thing I've learned, is that food is way cheaper in the states! It has to be! 'Cause there's no way I could get by on less than $100 a week (including personal care items, diapers and pet food). Also, I really don't think coupons are as good here as they are in the states.

So, for now, we're trying to spend $100 a week on food, and we've made a generous budget of $80 a week for clothes, gifts, entertainment, etc. Transportation is separate, and I've made a monthly budget instead of a weekly one, 'cause our tank is huge and expensive, and I'd rather fill it once than four times! Bills are completely separate too.

I'm sure you all really care about this. HA! I will keep you updated anyway to tell you how it goes. Even if you don't care.